It’s hard to pick a favorite holiday, but the Fourth of July is certainly on the top of my list. Who doesn’t love grilled corn, flowing BBQ sauce, pool parties and blowing shit up. It’s a glorious day to celebrate and reflect on how rad it really is to be an American.
So in respect to Old Glory, I bid this list of why we fucking love it here so very much.
#5 We Invented Hot Dogs
Throw it in a boiling pot of beer, slather it in cream cheese, douse it in ketchup. Whatever you want to do, the hot dog is as American as hot dogs. Sure, the Germans may have been the first to come up with a phallic shaped meat product, but sausage has nothing on the hot dog. The hot dog is the hero of easy dinners and a savior after a long night pub-crawling.
Not only that, but the hot dog cares about your environment. A mash up of left over pork flesh, the hot dog is the ultimate way to utilize otherwise inedible pig. So really, it’s an environmental super hero, making sure that we don’t waste any part of that little fat animal. Forget the Prius, if you want to make an eco-friendly American statement, eat a hot dog.
#4 We Made the Red Keg Cup An International Symbol of Fun
I have been stopped many times whilst holding a keg cup by someone unfortunate to not have been born in the USA, and they say, “Wow, you all really do drink out of those red cups.” The first time I was told this, I asked them to elaborate. “Well that’s what’s in all the American movies. All the kids drink out of those cups.”
That’s right. Us kids really do drink out of red keg cups. And what better instrument to play flip cup? Beer pong? Quarters? You’re welcome world.
#3 It Really Is Sexy Everywhere You Go
I have not been to all 50 States, because dammit, that’s a lot of states. But of all that I’ve been to, they have been fucking amazing. New York? California? Florida? Washington? Hawaii?! Come on. We really don’t need to leave our borders to get all that you could ever want. I’d immigrate illegally too if I didn’t start here.
#2 Every Holiday Is For Eating
Our title of fattest nation in the world is not a thing we take lightly. We work hard for that. When we are thankful, we eat an entire turkey. When Jesus gets up from death, we eat so much chocolate that we make animal shapes out of it to legitimize the feast. 4th of July? We BBQ, but it doesn’t stop there. We have giant hot dog eating contests, wherein contestants have eaten up to 69 hot dogs in one sitting. I may be a vegetarian, but I can salute such dedication to America’s favorite pastime – eating.
#1 Dubya gave us “’Murica”
Ah, our 43rd President. Author of such phrases as “I didn’t grow up in the ocean.” Or “Thank you, your Holiness. Awesome speech.” Or “I can press when there needs to be pressed; I can hold hands when there needs to be — hold hands.”
With the economy healing and one of his wars ended, you can’t really be thaaaat mad at him anymore. But if you are, here’s one of my personal favorites to make you feel better.
But best of all, he didn’t call us America. He called us “’Murica.” And that, America, is something to be grateful for today on ‘Murica’s birthday.