If there’s anything I can’t stand, it’s people telling me what to do. I realize how unruly that sounds, but what I mean is, people who tell you what to do when it’s unsolicited or out of context. Professors, Bosses, Doctors, fine – you win, I am your faithful subject. Other than that…well…my dog can show you what she thinks of your pretentious opinion around 8:02am every morning.
But for some reason, people seem to LOVE to be told what to do. Even worse, what to think or where they should be at a given point in their lives. I’ve noticed an increasing trend (or maybe it’s always been this way and I’m just now paying attention) of articles wherein columnists provide itemized lists for how you should behave to achieve X outcome. Or what your life should look like when you reach a certain age or are a particular gender.
Even better than silly, these articles are pretty hilarious. Do people really agree with these things? Do people read them and go, “oh my! yes! I must buy one yesterday!”
You tell me, but I’ll share my thoughts on a few of said “items” from these superfluous lists.
From Glamour’s 30 Things Every Woman Should Have and Know By the Time She’s 30:
11. A set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill and a black lace bra.
No. I will never own a screwdriver unless it is a glass of orange juice and vodka, in which case I will own many. That is if “own” means “consume regularly.”
A cordless drill just sounds expensive and a black lace bra? How much of a masochist are you? Lace is itchy, and colors are more fun. Also, stop talking about my underwear, pervert.
14. A skin-care regimen
Oh, you mean washing my face? Yea, been doing that since I was 5, next.
4. A purse, a suitcase and an umbrella you’re not ashamed to be seen carrying.
Again, owned since 5, except the purse has disappointingly fewer unicorns. Also, people from Seattle don’t use umbrellas. My North West friends would kick my ass if I tried walking around town with one, which means there is no such thing as an umbrella I wouldn’t be ashamed of.
5. How to kiss in a way that communicates perfectly what you would and wouldn’t like to happen next.
I’m confused. Pretty sure no matter how I kiss the man is ready to remove my clothes. And normally I’m in the same boat soooo, check?
From AskMen.com: Top 10 Things Every Man Should Have in His Apartment
10. Pots and Pans
Are you fucking joking? Men are not helpless morons and also LOVE to eat food that isn’t cold. And for the record, every man I’ve ever dated has been a better cook than me, so quit stereotyping men as inept in the kitchen.
6. A Dog in a Sweater
I shit you not this was on the list. “We dare you to invite a lady over who doesn’t fall in love with your four-legged friend, and subsequently, you. [Plus, treating the dog well] will score you plenty of points on a woman’s subconscious “future fatherhood” checklist.”
First of all, I know more women who would punch you in the mouth for doing this to a poor creature in southern California and 2, what’s a “subconscious ‘future fatherhood’” list? Apparently every woman’s uterus is aching for pumping out babies? Fellas, relax, plenty of women are looking to get laid just as much as you are, not when she gets to lose the elasticity of her hooha.
3. Beer scented candle
Please don’t. Please just have beer on hand. Trust your blogging friend on this one.
From Huffington Post’s 25 Things a Woman Should Have by her 30’s (I know the first one was a pretty similar list, but the ones about 30 are just too ridiculous)
2. The ability to flirt, elegantly, yet convincingly.
I’m actually interested here. What is an elegant flirt? And if you’re flirting, is it not implied that it’s convincing? It could be a very bad flirt, but the other person knows that you’re after them by the very act of flirting. But again, what’s an elegant flirt and please say it’s not Audrey Hepburn holding a cigarette because 1) Audrey was way more badass to be remembered only as an elegant flirt and 2) smoking is fucking gross.
9. A handbag from an iconic French or Italian design house.
A handbag designed by a general contractor? Most construction workers I’ve met would consider a lunch pail a decent handbag.
10. A set of pearl or diamond stud earrings that makes you feel elegant and put together no matter the tears in your jeans.
Please. Stop perpetuating diamonds, people are still dying to get them for us. You do not need to own diamonds to be a chic woman.
12. A garter-belt, and the confidence to wear it.
I don’t know what that is. Maybe I have one, but I don’t know what to call most of my underthings that aren’t bras and panties. Also, again with the underwear, pervs.
I obviously say most of this in jest. I do have a lace black bra, powertools, and a small dog with more sweaters than she needs. My beef is with the “SHOULD” in every piece, and that’s why I think we all “SHOULD” laugh at these and similar articles as a load of crap. The same exact way we “SHOULD” ignore all women’s and men’s magazines telling us “5 ways to keep your man from cheating” and “How to get her in bed.” Not all men are cheating dick pic sending bastards and not all women are non-garter-belt owning prudes (fine, I looked it up, I know what those are now).
C’mon people. We know what we are doing out there. And if not, may I refer you to the very first article wherein we are ordered to own a screwdriver. Go get you some vodka and OJ and you should be all set.